Let me start by saying I am a triracial human being with a dark complexion. That was my funny way of saying I’m Black. I embrace my Mexican side. I embrace my Indian side and my Black side but for a while no one else embraced it.
I was bullied a lot growing up. I’m 33 years young, and it was because I didn’t fit the mold the world created for me. Because of my skin I was too Black for white people and because of the way I acted I was not Black enough for Black people. This wouldn’t have affected me if I knew my self-worth but then I wouldn’t have this story.
My teenage years were … Let’s just say trying. I didn’t fit in anywhere. Although it should have been gone, racism was pretty big where I was. Bakersfield, California, home of Buck Owens, the band Korn and others. I was a Black kid raised on rock ‘n’ roll and country. Hip-hop was played in the house but never really forced on us.
I was into goth-rock, heavy metal and scream so imagine the way I dressed. I did the all black clothing, the painting of the nails and even the black eyeliner and piercings. To this day, at this moment here on my bunk writing this, I have snakebites (two piercings in my lip). It’s OK now for Blacks to have some piercings like that but when I was younger you were called a “wigger,” a sellout, all kinds of colorful names. This led me to my first “attempt.”
I was 13 years old and I was a magnet for punches, trash cans and mean names. I hated being me, but I knew no one else to be. One day, I saw cuts on the arms of the girl I loved. I asked why they were there and how she did them. She said because she deals with so much and she did them with a razor.
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I thought if someone with her popularity stooped this low, it was over for me. I went home that day and alone in the house I sliced a knife across my wrist. Now, I’m squeamish so the moment I saw blood I passed out. I fixed myself up and went on with my life. Someone saw the scar and asked questions. I told, but I thought, us being teenagers, this would stay between us but it didn’t. I was on suicide watch for the longest time!
My last attempt
Fast forward and now I’m in my 20s, 27 to be exact. No, the bullying did not stop, but by this time I’m doing hip-hop shows. I write my own music and make a lot of my own beats, but know nothing of social media. I was on a loop … with home, work and trying to be a family man. I have two kids, Lilli, 14, and Jeremiah, 10, and both by different women so I barely saw them.
The pressure became too much for me and my second and last attempt happened. That’s right. I’m a ghost. OK, all jokes aside. That was and will be my last attempt. What I did was I chewed up a lot of pain pills and drank vodka. I barely made it. I woke up feeling like crap.
Now, none of my family knew what I had done. Until I got out of the “loony bin.” Man, I never knew how selfish I was to try and take my life from my family, friends and loved ones. It’s a very selfish act and you don’t see it, because selfishly you are wrapped up in your own problems.
Let me tell you this, you are worth more than the finest gold, the biggest diamond. God cares about you so much! He gave you his only son to save you. (John 3:16) Your family loves you. They may not show it as much but try to imagine yourself taken from them and I can tell you they would be devastated.
I’ve lost a cousin to suicide, a friend, almost my mother and almost my own life. I tell you suicide is not the way to go. Talk to someone, someone you are comfortable with. Do like I do and write. I write books, music and screenplays to let out everything I feel. Oh, and I still talk to someone every week.
Suicide is not an option. See something, say something please! Because suicide can take someone very close to you. God bless!
Q.P. is serving eight years in San Quentin for sleeping with a 17-year-old. "This is something I am not proud of, therefore I told on myself and turned myself in. ... I can't blame the alcohol, but I didn't ask the right questions before I engaged,” he says.
The Beat Within, a publication of writing and art from incarcerated youth, was founded by David Inocencio in San Francisco in 1996. Weekly writing and conversation workshops are held in California, six other states and Washington, D.C. Submissions and new partners are welcomed. Write to him at dinocencio@thebeatwithin.org.